Dear Mr. Pohlad

C. Montgomery BurnsTo: Carl Pohlad, Minnesota Twins owner

Dear Mr. Pohlad,

Please re-sign Torii Hunter. I don’t want to see him in another uniform.

I know Denard Span is supposed to be good, but he can spend a few more years in Triple-A Rochester. If he wants to play with the big club, he can always take Lew Ford’s place.

Is Torii worth $15-plus million a year? No. No one is. But at 32, he has some great years ahead of him. Go ahead, give him a five-year deal. Sure he’ll be closing in on 38 by the end of his contract, but who cares? Don’t forget you have a gajillion dollars. Don’t give me any of this small-market business.

While you’ve got the checkbook out, add a few more zeros and years to that Johan Santana contract.

I know you love Nick Punto at third base. So do I. But wouldn’t Alex Rodriguez look great in the hot corner? He could play shortstop, too, where Jason Bartlett led the league in errors last season.

Barry Bonds doesn’t have a team. I realize Barry and I haven’t seen eye to eye in the past, but your squad is in dire need of a DH, and I think he could hit in the Dome.

Please, Carl. I hope this letter finds you well.